I am everything and nothing at all. In this moment I feel like the latter. I am writing to you because it's what my spirit says I should do- It kind of runs ish over here...
I feel like, "Octavia, what do you have to say?" Are you even ready? If the blessings get times by 100 what will you even do? This world is fucking nuts, does what you have to say or do even matter? You want to be a superhero, sometimes you feel like you are but right now and over the last two months you've not felt "super" or "human."
Either mother is unhappy (rightfully so) or they are using mother against us, regardless of either truth, we are here. Loss after loss and I'm sitting fighting tears feeling like a failure of sorts; why am I not compelled to give cans or coins. What is good enough? Is my life enough?
I feel overwhelmed in focus and selfish about wanting to focus on the bigger picture I THINK I'm meant to serve in, but what about now? The struggle to keep vibes high and the fight against going into the reclusive fold. I have something to say, ugh, I don't know if I've said it- I don't know if I am good enough for you, but I know I can't stop trying. I physically can't stop.
Where are we as humans? Why am I fighting back tears instead of letting them fall still? Why am I trying to stay strong even alone? Why is our limitlessness so limited here? When can we truly be free enough to love each other like we have the capacity to?
I want to send my love to humanity. I remember when I sat in an orphanage in Nepal and begged to find the humanitarian spirit within me; right now I'm reflecting on how easy it was when it was dormant. How being able to cook a steak to the perfect temperature in my girlfriends' house was enough. How waking up not hungover after superfluous drinking was enough. How proud I was about nothing and wanted less.
There is no time for dormant spirit now it's too dangerous. I get it... While I am answering questions, I am still asking them, and more frustrated at drawing all these blanks. My focus is to uplift humanity and more importantly, our youth, but I am strangled by the question, "what future?"
This is and will remain a space for connective shares. A place where we can bond. I will write how I speak. Since I don't speak using characters, I will overuse commas, semicolons, and perhaps everything else that constitutes "bad grammar" I am great and you are great, and that's why we are here right now.